Author Archives: BlackSaabbath

British Summer Time

British Summer Time is the period of time between Britain’s wet spring like weather, and its dark wet autumn days. Usually this period of time consists of showery rain as opposed to the normal prolonged periods of rain. Each year millions of Britains are surpised and disappointed at how wet it is. Being summer, however, allows the water companies in the South of England to impose hose pipe bans and other such water saving measures claiming the previous year had been unusually dry and hoping no one will remember is was as wet as any other.

The time of year also means anyone who owns a convertible car must drive around with the roof down unless there’s anything more than a light drizzle, regardless of temperature.

Trivia

  • British Summer Time starts when the first person in Britain looks up to the sky, sees a blue patch and says “Ooo, summer is here”.
  • British Summer Time ends after the bank holiday in August, during which it’ll probably rain a bit more as a precursor to the approaching autumn.
  • The longest period of dry weather ever recorded in Britain was in 1974 when it didn’t rain for 4 hours and 27 minutes.

Online forms

An online form is a special page on the World Wide Web upon which you are invited to send your credit card details and other personal information to a stranger pretending to be Ebay. On computers with Dual-Core processors online forms suck out the information automatically.

Where do Online Forms go?

Online forms go into space where NASA intercepts them, faxes them back to earth, and then they get posted to Market Harborough.

This process takes 8 days.

When there’s a solar-storm, it fucks up NASA’s machines and delays the process for up to 37 days.

Top Gear

Top Gear is a BBC television programme reviewing the best products in the world of drugs. Presenters including James May drive around high on various different toxins ranting about torque and other such things they don’t understand so the drug buying public need not waste their time on inferior products.

Trivia

  • Other names considered for the TV series were ‘Great Smack’, ‘Good Heroin’, ‘Top Buzz’ and ‘Shroom, Shroom’.
  • Little known to the presenters, mysterious character ‘The Stig’ is actually an under cover police woman trying to break a drugs ring.
  • When driving the cars round their test track out of their little minds, the presenters always try to keep off the grass.

Gravity

Gravity is a product of The Ministry of Heaviness (MoH), a former British Government agency setup in 1902 to stop everything floating around.

History

Until the early 20th Century, the people of Earth had put up with all their possessions, pets, family members etc. floating around them. This made it very hard to find things as invariably they were not where you left them. In 1902 the British Government decided enough was enough and set up The Ministry of Heaviness, headed by Sir Isaac Netwon, to develop a solution. Many ideas were tried including attaching a powerful fan on top of all items you wished to keep at ground level. This, sadly, proved fatal for the dog of one trial family which looked up suddenly and had its head severed by the fan blades.

Once the system had been perfected the MoH rolled out gravity to the whole world. Each country pays a set fee every quarter to the MoH and they ensure everything in that country stays as close to the ground as possible. In 1964 MoH was privatised and all the money it takes in each month has allowed it to become the 2nd biggest company in the world, second only to Microsoft.

How does it work?

Gravity works quite simply by attaching a piece of specially developed string to everything and everyone. The other end of these strings attach to a reel deep in the earth which keeps them taught but still allows them to extend if necessary, eg. if you want to jump. Some scientists have expressed concern as to what would happen to the system if several 1,000 people jumped up at once.

A dedicate team of around 57 people (nicknamed ‘The Stringers’) travel the world continuously checking all the strings are secure and not beginning to fray.

Trivia

  • In 1954, due to a banking error, payment was not received from Portugal, this resulted in their gravity being cut off for several days resulting in some rather serious accidents.
  • The Asian sub continent lost it’s gravity for several days in 1926 when a group of Squirrels nibbled through the connecting strings. This incident sparked a large scale review of the security of the strings and following this, some lovely fresh nuts are now placed around all strings to distract the squirrels thus allowing the ‘The Stringers’ to kill them.