Author Archives: danfiveoh

Pyrotechnics and Japanese

Pyrotechnics and Japanese is a four year, joint honours, MSci/MA course undertaken mainly at University College London with students undertaking an Erasmus style sandwich year at the University of Tokyo, Kyoto University or Kumamoto University. The course was originally conceived in 1987 at a joint forum between Japanese and United Kingdom government ministers aimed at increasing science and education links between both the countries. The idea behind the course was to address an almost current non-existence of Japanese speaking demolition experts who were currently in high demand by Japanese construction organisations. Conversely the Planning (Listed Buildings and Conservation Areas) Act and economic downturn in the UK had led to higher than normal unemployment amongst even the most skilled UK Pyrotechnics experts whose skills were urgently required by the Japanese.

Background

The idea was to address the problem in both the short and long term by forging links between some of the most prestigious educational organisations in both countries. Initially, Japanese government funding was made available for research placements at Japanese educational establishments designed to be undertaken by Pyrotechnics experts from the UK. At the same time the Faculty of Physical Sciences at University College London adapted its Pyrotechnics course structure in order to incorporate the recently conceived Erasmus year, although shortly an independent exchange program was set up due to Erasmus’ biased towards Arts degrees and a resulting conflict with the organisation.

The idea was to get British Pyrotechnics experts applying their skills in Japan but also to keep British students interested in the subject with the promise of a sandwich year where they could learn the language with the prospect of using both sets of skills to work in the thriving Japanese economy.

Conflict with Erasmus Program

Approximately two years into the program on May 14th 1989 certain senior members of the Erasmus organisation criticised the degree program on the basis that many graduates from it would go on to implement what they considered to be highly unethical construction projects. These included the construction and decommissioning of Power Stations in Japan’s Nuclear Energy Program and what they sited as a destruction of natural habitats in a number of Japan’s abundant forests. This was in spite of the fact that Japan was at the time and still is considered to be a world leader in national forestry conservation with it’s largest import being wood. In addition they cited the more general association of Pyrotechnics with the defence industry.

A swiftly published report later published on 28th May 1980 by UCL in partnership with the University of Tokyo stated that having reviewed the Erasmus board’s initial case they could find no solid reasoning behind the decision to criticise the program and that clauses in the Erasmus constitution, which was cited heavily in Erasmus’ initial letter to the UCL Faculty of Physical Sciences, were never designed to be invoked in a fashion represented in the case.

The report eventually concluded that the criticism of the degree program was a ‘politically motivated stunt’ designed to further the career of one of the more righteous board members. The report concluded that the aim of the Erasmus board member was to eventually excise the degree program’s association from Erasmus. Considering all but three Erasmus board members abstained from voting to progress the motion, there were no against votes and so Erasmus proceeded with the action. It was due to this and also a greater apparent lack of science and engineering representation throughout the Erasmus organisation the the UCL Faculty of Physical Sciences and its counterparts in the Japanese Universities quickly moved to dissociate the degree program from Erasmus and construct and internal team responsible for organising the exchange element of the course that was jointly funded. ‘Considering faculty based links have now been established we have little need for Erasmus any more. ‘The Erasmus case for criticising the Pyrotechnics and Japanese degree program is unsound when one considers that it cannot ensure that the Arts students on its program do not go on to be associated with what it describes as ‘unethical’ industries. It is for this reason that we will move to an independent set-up to continue the smooth running of the exchange element of the course’ the report concluded.

The Erasmus board member in the report was official named in the report to be Dan Ozario. Interestingly records made public from other committees on which he sat showed a number of other somewhat poorly backed motions that he had been able to push though, no doubt to demonstrate political prowess on his CV, due to apathy and disinterest from other members of the voting party.

More recently there have been unofficial conversations about the degree program associating itself with the Erasmus program again especially considering the recent interest from other economies. This may also be due to Erasmus wanting to gain more of a representation from Science and Technology courses as currently and historically most Erasmus years are undertaken by students on Arts and Humanities courses.

Course Structure

The first year of the course is spent sureing up and supplementing the basic A-Level Chemistry and Physics knowledge of successful applicants. With a good foundation candidates then undertake more advanced, in-depth and specialised courses in their second year.

No Japanese language studies are undertaken until the third year although students have the option in their first and second year to undertake a half unit in Japanese history and cultural studies. Students apply for placements at Japanese Univesities during the first simester of their second year and travel to take up these placements in their third year where the course is made up of 25% Japanese language studies and 75% applied Chemistry and Physics modules that are focused on providing the students with a good research background. It has been commented on that the amount of effort non-Japanese speaking students have to put in in this year is normally 80-20 biased towards the Japanese element of the course.

In the final year students return to UCL in order to undertake a literature study and a research project along with advanced Chemistry and Physics modules. They are encouraged to retain ties with their former colleagues in Japan and often continue on from research they commenced in their third year.

Measures of Success

The initial aims of the course were achieved almost immediately. With the foundations of the initial research projects being laid down over the first two years of the program the additional influx of skilled undergraduate students to the Japanese Universities in the third year of the program complimented the research schedule and provided much needed resource to the projects. As a result a number of interesting Pyrotechnical phenomenon were observed and understood in greater depth along with a number new techniques being developed. These included: Wragg’s seasonal differences in potent combustible small chain hydrocarbons, Francis’ Devil’s Porridge preparation technique and Houghton and Jenner’s observations and demonstrations of Topsharking in target rich environments.

Although the Japanese economy is considered to have stagnated over the last 20 years this does not mean that there has been a lack of projects for graduates to apply their skills to and there is certainly not the lack of expertise there once was. Despite spending a additional year in Japan there is nothing to suggest that graduates have trouble gaining professional employment or admission to postgraduate research projects in other areas of the world. In fact research shows that over 95% of successful graduates have successfully gained employment within 3 months of completing the course. This is at least in part due to the heavily research based element undertaken during the 4th year of the course.

Recent Developments

The course is now considered somewhat of a cult favourite being as heavily subscribed as what are considered to be highly popular courses such as Media Studies at Bristol and Land Management at Reading. Many failed Oxbridge hopefuls also apply for the course although most of the applications are unsuccessful as the course looks for a depth of personality that is often not exhibited by this group of applicants. Conversely many students go on to undertake further postgraduate studies at Cambridge University due to the solid educational foundation they receive from the course.

Famous Graduates

Baron Paul Baron undertook the course shortly before failing to gain Japanese citizenship.

Jobs

Most graduates take jobs within the construction or mining industries. Companies within these industries have reported that staff taken on with these qualifications are generally four to five years ahead of graduates with other qualifications. There were recent reports in the press that members of extremist religious factions had enrolled on the course and may have in fact already taken part in attacks on Western facilities. These claims were strongly rebutted by the head of the faculty, Dr. John Sternback. “All students of religions that are partial to a bit of extremism, are subjected to rigourous background checks and at least 3 to 4 years in Guatanomo before being accepted”.

Interest from Other Economies

Recently, Archbishop Desmond Tutu has expressed an interest in recruiting some of the less talented students, who are only achieving satisfactory grades in the first two years of their course, to undertake their sandwich year at the University of Cape Town or the University of Stellenbosch. This is to hopefully address near identical issues in the South African economy. Although the language requirement does not pose as much of a problem as it did to the Japanese the Archbishop has argued that the long term value to both the Japanese and UK economies has really been cornerstone underpinning the success of the project and that the short term aims could have been achieved via other measures and are therefore not particular relevant to any arguement against implementing a similar program for South Africa. The Namibian government has also expressed an interest in acquiring graduates of this course. The recent signing of mining contracts for deposits of Uranium in the North of the country has revealed a shortfall in the necessary explosive skills within the existing work force. Nahas Angula, the Namibia Prime Minister, recently said in a speech to tendering mining companies that he intended that the majority of the mining work force should be made up of Namibian citizens. It is his intention to send a number of Namibians to England to take the Pyrotechnics course. When pressed on the relevance of the Japanese language modules he replied that Namibia is a multi-cultural country and that it was his hope that Japanese speaking citizens would attract “some of those funny eyed, technology people…” into the country.

Education

The Student, pronounced “Stooodent”, is a common miscreant and tax dodger found in most parts of the world, often close to universities or colleges.

Habitat

Students can often be found around university campuses, local brances of Aldi, Lidl or Netto and in the Indie section of popular music stores. In the evening, most students can be found in cheap chain bars and restaurants, or perched over rubbish bins, vomiting.

Diet

Students are often known to prefer tinned food, or ready-to-eat meals and rarely prepare food that takes longer than five minutes to cook and eat. This is a bi-product of the heavy workload of sleeping, drinking and mating, that the typical student must undergo.

Characteristics

Students can be easily distinguished from the general public by three main factors:

  • Appearance – Students often wear ripped clothes, mainly striped jumpers, scarves and a lot of beige. The student doesn’t brush their hair or wear shoes. It is not uncommon to find students far from their habitat, still in pyjamas.
  • Odour – Students don’t wash as they simply do not have enough time. One essay a term and thousands of potential bed partners require far too much of their waking life already.
  • Habits – During the daytime, students can be found walking the streets and local shopping centres, when the general public are at work. This is because students are unable to take a job due to their hectic life.

Mating habits

Male students often use alcohol as their primary means of courting the female. In their academic life a student may have as many as 1000 sexual partners, and will never use contraception. The average student fathers 203 children during his time in academia.

Popular hobbies

Other than mating and drinking, the student can occasionally have time for other pursuits such as:

  • Studying – Originally intended as the main purpose of the student, this was officially declassified in the early 1990s.
  • Pool – Male students like to play phallic games such as Pool, as it helps them increase their own self perception of masculinity. It also provides a good weapon when they are attacked by the general public.
  • Television – Students are keen viewers of programmes such as The Jeremy Kyle Show, Can’t Cook Won’t Cook and Deal or No Deal.

NASA

NASA is another alias for the FBI. Other aliases include CIA, CSI, and Barney. NASA stands for New Ambiguous Silly Acronym.

Conspiracy

The main branch of NASA (or FBI) is there to invent as many Acronyms as possible in order to create ficticious jobs and counteract difficulties in USA unemployment.

The secdonary branch primarily consist of film directors that spend 4.8 billion a year directing and manufactucturing fake space exploration. 90% of these films are made on the Moon, which is strange because no one had as yet invented a craft to go into outer space. Is is speculated that they hired Marmot film directors to do this because of their extra large lung capacity and extraordinary jumping abilities, hence not needing such a craft to reach the Moon. NASA cunningly stole the name space ship to make people believe this conspiracy. A space ship is in fact a Floating Vessel that offers space on board for transporting goods to greenland.

History

NASA was invented by the FBI in July 21st 1969 after an insane Space Ship captain called Neil Armstrong claimed he had landed his floating vessel on the Moon. NASA got an Ice Hockey Linesman, who was also conveniently called Neil Armstrong, to pose as an Astronaut and jump around in a Barney outfit. They used modern graphics tools of the day, such as etch and sketch, and paint by colours, to make it look realistic. It is known though that tippex was used to colour the Barney outfit white. This has been proven due to too much tippex being used on the face which caused it to “erase” completely and appear transparent.

Eleventy

Eleventy is a number of particular greatness. It was invented by Mr Ted Theodore Logan many years ago, when he counted Eleventy-hundred ants in his living room, eating cheese and other crumb-based foodstuffs from the carpet.

The number Eleventy is immense, and should be used sparingly to maintain it’s greatness, much like many one-hit wonders.

Usage

Eleventy must almost never be used on its own. Most of the time, it should be accompanied by a following qualifying statement of a word, see below for example eleventy-usage.

  • Eleventy-One
  • Eleventy-Two
  • Eleventy-Three
  • Eleventy-Four
  • Eleventy-Five
  • Eleventy-Sex
  • Eleventy-Seven
  • Eleventy-Eight
  • Eleventy-Nine
  • Eleventy-Ten
  • Eleventy-Leven
  • Eleventy-Twelve
  • Eleventy-Hundred

What’s the exact value of Eleventy ?

Opinion varies on the exact value of Eleventy. The most plausible theory was put forward by Professor Stephen Hawking, a thin man in a robotic chair. He theorised in 2003 that the value of Eleventy was the same as Eleventeen.

Trivia

  • There are eleventy-million stars in the world
  • There are eleventy-hundred grains of sugar in a 500g bag of sugar.
  • There are eleventy-seven hairs on the head of Sven-Goran Eriksson. Two of which are ginger.

Moon

The Moon is a round planet that is, on average, 238,857 miles from Earth, moving away at roughly 4cm a year. The Moon’s diameter is 2,160 miles, only slightly less than Rik Waller.

The two sides of the moon

The Moon has two sides, Jeff and Clemence. The moon is in synchronous rotation, which means that Jeff is almost always turned towards the earth at any one time.

Orbit

The Moon makes a complete orbit about the Earth approximately once every 29.5 days, breaking only once for a Bacon sandwich, and a cup of Tea.

Origin and History

The Moon was created in 1912 by Alfie and Nana Moon. It has an inner core made entirely of red Lego bricks, with an outer core of Marshmallow.

The other layers were crafted using disgarded chewing gum of varying brands.

Trivia

  • It takes 12 full time Moon staff to change the bulbs necessary to create Moonlight.
  • Though it was once thought that the Moon had a small pool of water, it was later proved to be a rain drop on the telescope.
  • Chuck Norris has a holiday villa on the Moon called Luna Norris.

Learlier

Learlier, denotes a period of time neither before, nor after, an event that may or may not have happened.

Example

David: “I had a job interview learlier!”
Daniel: “Did you, when was it?”
David: “It was neither before, nor after 12pm.”
Daniel: “Brilliant, how did it go?”
David: “Well, this particular event didn’t happen, so not well.”

Tesco

Tesco is the UK’s largest and most successful supermarket chain.

History

Tesco was founded in 1066, when Mr T spotted a gap in the market for a premium range of convenient and supposedly tasty ready-meals. He called these Tesco *Finest meals, and invented the colour silver to make them stand-out.

In an era when being poor meant your head was cut-off, peasants flocked to Tesco’s all around the country, in an effort to raise their social-standing to somewhere equalling noblemen.

Since then the lower-middle-classes have loved Tesco as if it were their Mother’s womb.

Success

Tesco has been credited with the popularisation of Haggis in England. Once a Scots dish, Haggis is now served on every English dinner plate every Sunday afternoon, accompanied by Horseradish, HP Sauce, and 2 cans of Stella Artois.

Trivia

  • Tesco covers 102.8% of the available market. All the residents of a small island to the north of Scotland called ‘Bende’ had to be relocated to make way for a Tesco Express store.
  • Tesco sells anything and everything. If you want a designer baby, go to Tesco. They’re 7 day return, no questions asked policy, is very handy when trying out new family members.
  • The use of a star in the Tesco *Finest logo was a happy mistake. When Mr T was packaging his ‘Pork Delight’ meal he accidently left the pig’s anus showing. The ‘star’ has remained ever since.
  • Tesco car parks are the most common dogging hotspots in Britain. If the window is down, you may pop your hand in for a feel, because “Every Little Helps”.
  • Tesco operates a secret codeword policy on it’s fresh meat counters. The code can be found elsewhere, needless to say if you want to sample some large tasty (pig) gonads, get researching.
  • The first Tesco Value product was baked beans, since then they’ve brought us value sausages, value cars, value grandparents and value sperm donations.
  • Tesco is currently conducting trials into the sale of guns and other weapons. While hugely controversial, a recent shooting incident involving a gun brought from a competitor brand in their flagship Norwich store, has convinced the Tesco bigwigs that consumer demand is there.
  • In 1993 Tesco Bermondsey became the first store to be built entirely from recycled homeless people.

Tiger Woods (place)

Tiger Woods is a woods infested with baby tigers (also called Kubbs). It is located approximately 8.37 miles east-west of the more famous, and richer Sherwood Forest which is also a woods.

History

  • Tiger Woods is the historic home of Robbie Hoodie, a chav that lived in medieval times. The hooded fellow robbed from the rich, the poor, the good, and the bad. He never got caught and is rumoured to be the great-great-great-great-uncle’s-cousin of Michael Carroll, the self-lost millionnaire of modern folk lore.
  • The woods was accidently burnt-down in 1982 when the baby tigers discovered fire. Fortunately scientists were able to use DNA samples to regrow the woods and the tigers. Since then each tiger has come with optional ‘foliage’ style fur due to a sample mix-up.

Trivia

  • Tiger Woods is home to the grey squirrel. The red squirrels were outlawed after being suspected of trying to ‘be’ baby tigers. This caused much confusion to the American tourists, who shot first, and then buggered off to shoot something else.

Tony Blair

Anthony Cobalt Hawkwind Blair (born 6 May 1953) is the current King of England, Lord of the Dance and MP for Hunstanton.

Family background

Born 6th May 1953 to Romani gypsies, Trevor Tallulabell Blair and Winnie Tinkerbell Fanny McTavish, Anthony enjoyed the quiet life, eating Daffodils and living in trees. In 1975, Anthony changed his name to ‘Tony’ and sought refuge with his local branch of the Labour party, citing ‘irreconcilable differences’ with the Romani way as being his major reason for his change in direction.

In 1980, Tony married Cherry Boof, a local solicitor, mouth-model and part time Sunday league footballer. They have three sons, Alvin, Simon and Theodore.

Political career

After joining the Labour Party, Tony spent 9 years as a tea-boy before winning the post of Prime Minister in a raffle at a christmas party. In his first two years in that role, Tony changed the name of England to Legoland, sunk a battleship with a cannon, and installed a 20 foot wall around London. It is worth noting that in 1994 England regained it’s original name, and in 1999 the 20 foot wall was dismantled and made into the Millenium Dome.

In 2001, Tony sold Britain’s National Health Service to France for £20,000 and bought himself a Ford Focus. In a bizarre twist, the french government resold the NHS to Germany, for £23,000 and bought a Peugeot 307. Clearly they were robbed. The german government, already owning it’s own car, has vowed to keep the NHS until at least 2010, where it will gamble it away during that year’s FIFA World Cup.

Iraq War

Blair gave strong support to American President George Dubbleyoo Bush during the 2003 ‘War in Iraq’, and personally killed 24 Iraqi soldiers in a Rambo-esque mission early on during the campaign. A celebrated mercenary, Blair was first choice for the mission and dedicated his subsequent medal for bravery, to his dog, “Stalin”.

Party Members

  • John Prescott – A larger than life, lovable rogue with a penchant for classic cars, salsa dancing and country homes. Prescott was Tony’s Deputy Prime Minister and for part of 1995, his lover.
  • Robin Cook – Is like a little leprechaun.

Becoming a King

Tony became King of England, after a self-imposed referendum whereby he and John Prescott were the only legal voters, and only on the condition that Prescott could become Queen. Whilst many believe this to be travesty of justice, many supported his resurrection of the round table and his appointment of Jeremy Beadle as court jester.

Trivia

  • Tony is a keen dogger. He may often be found around the car parks of London-based Tesco supermarkets.
  • Tony was a member of the A-Team fan club until 2002, when he exchanged his membership for a pack of Super Trucks Top Trumps.
  • Tony eats nothing but chocolate. He was declared a medical marvel in 2005, after news broke of his chosen diet. He is expected to die from over-indulgence in 2010, but no one has told him yet.
  • Tony was the inspiration for the Kazuo Ishiguro novel, The Remains of the Day.

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen

Mary-Kate Olsen and Ashley Fuller Olsen (born June 13, 1986) are twin American actresses known more commonly as “The Olsen twins”.

They are made almost entirely from gingerbread and drink only Gaymers Cider.

Biography

Early life

The Olsen twins were created in 1986 by parents David and Sophie Olsen after David fancied a snack. After some wonderous work with gingerbread, Sophie eventually carved two children, too good to eat. With natural acting abilities, the twins were cast as Willow Ufgood in the 1988 film, Willow.

Career

The early nineties saw a plethora of film appearances for the twins, including the immensely popular Hard to Kill, Mary-Kate and Ashley Do America and Pop Goes The Weevil. Taking the teenage market by storm, they quickly had their own merchandise line featuring t-shirts, exercise videos and erotic toys.

Selected filmography

  • Willow (1988)
  • Calililigula (1990)
  • Hard to Kill (1990)
  • Mary-Kate and Ashley Do America (1992)
  • Captain Lovely’s Mandarin (1996)
  • Pop Goes The Weevil (1998)
  • Caddyshack 3 (2000)
  • Best of Playboy: Olsen Twins (2004)
  • Eleventy-Six Weeks (2005)

Memorable quotes

  • Mary-Kate – “And I was like, no! And she was like, yeah! So I was like, oh okay.” (On accepting her first Academy Award, 1998).
  • Ashley – “I never liked George Bush, but I’d marry him for the fame.”