Category Archives: Food & Drink

Fish Finger sandwiches

Posted on January 11, 2011 by danfiveoh| Leave a comment

Fish Finger sandwiches are the primary source of food for all.

Recipe

  • Warm 2 slices of crustless white bread.
  • Spread thickly with butter.
  • Oven bake 4 fish fingers until crisp but not burnt, and a potato waffle (must be a square one).
  • Place a Dairylea or Kraft cheese slice on one slice of the bread.
  • Lay the hot fish fingers lenghtways across the cheese slice and bread (4 is the perfect number and fits most sizes of loaf).
  • Place the waffle on top of the fish fingers.
  • Squirt on some ketchup (too much will overpower the fabulous taste so be gentle).
  • Shut the lid.
  • Cut in half across the fish fingers not lengthways.
  • Enjoy (the first mouthful should always burn the roof of your mouth).

This sandwich provides all the basic food groups. what other food can do such a wonderful thing?

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Egg cup

Posted on January 11, 2011 by danfiveoh| Leave a comment

An egg cup, sometimes called egg doofer, is a container used for serving boiled eggs within their shell. Egg cups were invented in 1921 by David Eddie Howes and were quickly accepted into kitchen’s across the world.

They can be made of china, pottery, wood, skin, plastic, glass, rubber and various metals only found in Britain.

Egg cups are popular with collectors. There are newsletters for egg cup collectors, there are also egg cup conventions for collectors in England. Egg cup collectors are reknowned for their lack of friends and social skills.

Trivia

  • Egg cups caused 21,264 deaths in Britain, during 2005. In North America they cause more deaths each year than incorrectly loaded toasters.
  • Egg cups weren’t made to fit eggs, eggs (since 1921) have been made to fit the egg cup.
  • Egg cups made of glass are called oracles.
  • Mrs Gita Mistri of Leicester, England, is widely believed to have the biggest collection in the world. Though losing count in 2001, she claims to have over eleventy-thousand.

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Cheese

Posted on January 11, 2011 by danfiveoh| Leave a comment

Cheese is a common, often yellow, source of nourishment that is not to be confused with Geese, which are a flying creature capable of squawking loudly to those that pass them.

History

Cheese was first produced in the 14th century in Hackney, England. Whilst dealing with an outbreak of Marmots, locals decided to try and milk the captured vermin and found that the yield was of a creamy texture which solidified on contact with the air.

The name Cheese was decided upon by a Mr. Audrey Harriot, often believed to the be ancestor of television nitwit chef Ainsley Harriot.

Consistency

Cheese is mostly a solid, but at boiling point can melt to the consistency of tar.

In 1946, following the end of World War 2, Mr Philip Adelphia created the worlds first spreadable cheese and cornered a market that would go untouched until Thomas Dairylea created his now famous brand of triangle shaped cheese bites.

Trivia

  • In World War 1 cheese was used as both an explosive and as a source of calcium to British troops.
  • Though ‘calciyummy’, cheese does not turn the milk chocolatey.
  • There are 14 different types of cheese, 12 of which are french, 1 english and 1 swiss. All other cheeses are essentially the english cheese (cheddar) with food colouring or bits of cabbage added.

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Marmite

Posted on January 11, 2011 by admin| Leave a comment

Marmite is either loved or hated, depending on social upbringing and the alignment of varying moons. Lovers of Marmite are known as Marmites, haters are known as Scum.

Ingredients

  • Marmot urine.
  • Eye of Newt.
  • Four one pence (sterling) coins.
  • The plucked hair of a spurned lover.
  • 12 Angry Men.

History

Marmite was invented by Keith Marmite of Kettering, Northamptonshire in 1912 as a result of the well documented Great Kettering Famine. The plethora of ingredients Keith had stored led to the feeding of nearly every Kettering resident during this period, thus saving thousands of lives. Ironically, Keith then became bankrupt and died the year after when the newly formed British Gas and Coal (now British Gas) cut off his heating through non payment.

Marmites

  • Ainsley Harriot
  • Fearne Cotton
  • Miley Cyrus
  • Chris Moyles
  • Badger (from the BBC’s Bodger and Badger)

Scum

  • Gordon Brown
  • Pam St Clements
  • Billy Ray Cyrus
  • Chris Martin
  • Bodger (from the BBC’s Bodger and Badger)

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Findus Crispy Pancakes

Posted on January 11, 2011 by danfiveoh| Leave a comment

Findus Crispy Pancakes are a brand of frozen pancakes, made by world reknowned scientist Marmots, based in Sweden and working under the guise of Findus.

The ultimate food stuff

Crispy Pancakes are largely considered by the western world to be the single most noticable advancement in modern food creation, for three reasons:

  • They contain cheese, the 6th wonder of the world.
  • Pancakes are known to be an exceptional food, at any time of the year.
  • They are covered in bread crumbs. Bread is a life-enhancing mineral.

Celebrity endorsement

In 2001, sofa-climbing dwarf Tom Cruise claimed to be so addicted to Findus Crispy Pancakes, he was set to star in a film charting their creation. This film was later shelved due to problems attaining the $100 million budget it would require.

Walking timepiece, and occasional rapper, Flavor Flav mentioned the famous pancakes in his 2007 track, “Ain’t no Pancake, like a Findus”: “Sittin’ at my kitchen table, Findus Pancakes makin’ me able, to go out on da streets, and get some ho’s back in my sheets”.

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Potato

Posted on January 11, 2011 by danfiveoh| Leave a comment

A potato is a food group found in Ireland. In fact it’s the only food group in Ireland. There are 782 different types of potatos including sweet potato, sour potato, tomapotato, and potato head. Each variety has it’s own distinct characteristics:

  • The sweet potato – This potato is a right Irish charmer. Would chat the socks of any Lady Potato
  • The sour potato – This is a female potato
  • Tomapotato – This is a potato which is a bit of a fruit. Bit like tomatoes trying to be a fruit too.
  • Potato head – hangs around bars late at night looking for Cabbage and Bacon

History

The history of the potato spans for centuries, right back to the era of Bruce Forsyth. Coincidentally, Bruce Forsyth has absolutely no relationship with potatos, even if he does have a potato head. The first potato was actually discovered by Cuchulain. He originally thought the potato was a baby Marmot and smashed it with his Hurley Stick. Hence the immediate invention of Mashed potatoes. It is rumoured that this is also how Marmite was invented. This was later disproven by Jodie Foster at the Convention of Mystical Marmot Myths, because it was obviously a potato Cuchulain smashed and not a Marmot. Marmite is actually made from Marmots urine.

Trivia

  • Jodie Foster made the most perfect mashed potato in 1981 by mixing together 73.5 potatoes, 3 bags of salt, 18 tubs of butter and Barry Manilow.
  • When mammy potatoes and daddy potatoes fornicate the baby potatos are referred to as Spuds.

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