Category Archives: Nature

Mouse

Posted on January 11, 2011 by danfiveoh| Leave a comment

A Mouse is a small, usually headless animal belonging to cats.

Mouses (the plural of Mouse) are not to be confused with computer mice and can be all different shades of colour, but are usually mousey-grey or mousey-brown. Mousey-yellow mouses are special because they eat gold.

Most mouses are clockwork, but more modern mouses can run on batteries or solar-power.

If you have a cat, and it owns a mouse with a head, then your cat is lame, and probably needs counselling, like Teri Hatcher.

If you know your cat is keeping a mouse then you must get a sub-pet licence, otherwise you and your cat are breaking the international animal welfare treaty of 1853.

Famous Mouses

  • Mickey Mouse – Talks like a girl, for kids!
  • Danger Mouse – Wears an eye-patch, like a pirate!
  • Finger Mouse – Has a TV presenter up its ass.
  • Sample 678 – The first ever headless animal in space!

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Duck!

Posted on January 11, 2011 by danfiveoh| Leave a comment

A duck is a floating vessel containing food. Specifically duck meat, and on rare occasions, duck fat. Sometimes the duck contains an orange or a plum. If it contains a plum, the vessel sinks, allowing fishermen to fish them up using their plum-rod.

Duck rules

  • Ducks rule the small lakes in the UK, however swans rule the larger lakes.
  • You must never feed a duck breadcrumbs or get it wet. If you know a duck to be wet. Cook it immediately to dry it out.
  • Duck season is from 26 December to 24 December and 1 of the Queen’s two official birthdays. Turkey season is 25 December and the other of the Queen’s birthdays.

Duck Types

  • Ducks come in different colours but are all the same shape and are always between small and big sizes.
  • Ducks with green heads are radioactive because they eat SIM-cards.
  • Ducks with brown heads eat nothing but shit. Never eat meat that has arrived in a brown-headed duck.
  • Ducks with pink or purple heads are the duck version of a duck (see below).

Duck Trivia

  • Duck’s fly only twice a day. To go to work and to come home.
  • If you freeze a duck it will get confused and will explode. You can then make a duck smoothie.
  • If you meet a man that is a duck then that man is considered to be a homosexual, but in a funny way, like Dale Winton!

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Badger

Posted on January 11, 2011 by danfiveoh| Leave a comment

The Badger is the self proclaimed leader of all the forest-based animals. The badger is best known for his love of mashed potato and knitting.

Diet

Everybody knows, badger loves mashed potato, he builds them into shapes and eats them everyday.

Mating Habits

Badgers are not generally considered romantic, and are largely keen on one-night-stands. Being considered as the leader of the forest allows the badger to bed anything he chooses, regardless of gender or species. Badgers have been known to seduce female humans on occasion.

Trivia

  • Badgers have the largest genitalia of all nature’s creatures, and have approximately twice the length and girth of a male Blue Whale’s penis.
  • Badgers are keen followers of the industrial gothic movement, often causing some confusion as both the males and females sometimes wear skirts.
  • Male badgers live for approximately 24 years, with some females living as long as 104. This large difference is thought to be caused by the effects of global warming on the male badger hormone, Badgeriniumathoniconium.

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Marmot

Posted on January 11, 2011 by danfiveoh| Leave a comment

The Marmot is a largely furry animal, well known for it’s love of Jazz and it’s acceptance of naturism into it’s own social culture.

Marmots, though often confused with Squirrels, are actually fourteen times the size of a common ground squirrel.

Diet

The Marmots main diet consists of Dairylea and Fish Fingers and although a carnivore by nature, has not been known to devour a human since 1966.

Mating Habits

Male Marmots (known as Brothers) seduce the females (Ho’s) using flowers, chocolates and taking them to major sporting events. Marmot sex lasts for around 30 minutes, and can leave the female exhausted for days. Sex involving mature Marmots can often lead in death to one of the parties involved.

Trivia

  • Marmots should not be fed after midnight, and never let them get wet.
  • During the 20th century, seven Academy Awards have been won by Marmot directors. Notable film winners include; The last Marmot, Captain Corelli’s Marmot and Captain Furry’s Wonderful Wheeliebug.
  • Marmots vary in size, the biggest Marmot on record was found to be 6’3″.
  • Marmots are immune to AIDS.
  • In 1986, the first Marmot was used as a Navy Diver, due to it’s twelve lungs and it’s ability to withstand pressure.

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