Golf is a sport where the player must hit a small, spherical white object called a ball, into a small sunken space called a hole using a long stick with a hard bit at the end.
Legally, golf may only played by persons that own a Volkswagen Golf, though a temporary golf day-pass may be purchased at any good golf retailer.
History
Golf was invented by Volkswagen in 1942 and though a largely German game, has been adapted over time by the British after it’s liberation from Nazi Germany in 1945. Originally thought to be the brain child of Volkswagen genius, Hermann Wolfgang Amadeus Westerveld, it was later found out to be created as a direct order from Adolf Hitler who wanted a game he could play with other German leaders of the time, that didn’t involve shooting jewish people.
Playing Golf
Every game of golf is based on the number of holes on the course in a given order. Typically, a round of golf consists of 18 holes with players either walking, or driving their Volkswagen Golf between holes. Sometimes a golfoid (one who plays golf) may be accompanied by caddies, who in todays terms would be classed as slaves, and carry the golfoid’s clubs, bag and sometimes the golfoid themselves.
The general aim of the game is to complete the course in the least number of shots, though often in team play, extra negative-points are award for violence and positive results in caddy-fighting.
Hitting the ball
To hit the ball, the long sticky thing is swung at the motionless ball on the ground from a side stance. When beginning the hole, the ball is placed on a tee about twelve inches from the ground. When a tee is not available, the caddy must lie on the ground, and the ball must be hit from his lips.
Par
Par is the term used to describe the number of holes a skilled golfoid would take to complete the hole. It is generally determined by the distance from the tee (the starting point) to the green (where the hole is), though sometimes the number is determined by a random number generator.
Handicap
A golf handicap is determined by the number of limbs a golfoid has remaining at the end of a completed course. This can directly affect the score on a golfoid’s game card during the final scoring process.
Prizes
Though there are generally no prizes (other than pride) in amateur golf, golfoids sometimes compete for pink slips, and may often end up with many different Volkswagen Golfs during their golfing life.
Equipment
Golf sticks
A golfoid may carry anything up to 256 sticks in his bag, or in competition play, a number generated by dividing his age by the number of holes on the course, and then multiplied by the number of women that have spurned his sexual advances due to his love of golf.
There are three main types of sticks:
- Wood – These are made from Tungsten and are used for long shots on the fairway.
- Iron – These are used for straightening the golfoid’s shirt, and for precision shots on the fairway.
- Putter – These are used to put the ball in the hole, and often in crazy golf.
Golf balls
These are generally made from ivory, gained from killing the world’s most endangered animals (such as Elephants, Rhinos and Giraffes). They must have exactly 322 dimples to be considered a golf ball, a law created in 1956 to prevent cheating.
Golf bags
These are often made from real elephant feet, and must be created by hand by the caddy two days prior to the game. After use, these feet are attached to the elephant again, who goes on to lead a perfectly normal life.
