Category Archives: Science & Medicine

NASA

Posted on January 11, 2011 by danfiveoh| Leave a comment

NASA is another alias for the FBI. Other aliases include CIA, CSI, and Barney. NASA stands for New Ambiguous Silly Acronym.

Conspiracy

The main branch of NASA (or FBI) is there to invent as many Acronyms as possible in order to create ficticious jobs and counteract difficulties in USA unemployment.

The secdonary branch primarily consist of film directors that spend 4.8 billion a year directing and manufactucturing fake space exploration. 90% of these films are made on the Moon, which is strange because no one had as yet invented a craft to go into outer space. Is is speculated that they hired Marmot film directors to do this because of their extra large lung capacity and extraordinary jumping abilities, hence not needing such a craft to reach the Moon. NASA cunningly stole the name space ship to make people believe this conspiracy. A space ship is in fact a Floating Vessel that offers space on board for transporting goods to greenland.

History

NASA was invented by the FBI in July 21st 1969 after an insane Space Ship captain called Neil Armstrong claimed he had landed his floating vessel on the Moon. NASA got an Ice Hockey Linesman, who was also conveniently called Neil Armstrong, to pose as an Astronaut and jump around in a Barney outfit. They used modern graphics tools of the day, such as etch and sketch, and paint by colours, to make it look realistic. It is known though that tippex was used to colour the Barney outfit white. This has been proven due to too much tippex being used on the face which caused it to “erase” completely and appear transparent.

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Eleventy

Posted on January 11, 2011 by danfiveoh| Leave a comment

Eleventy is a number of particular greatness. It was invented by Mr Ted Theodore Logan many years ago, when he counted Eleventy-hundred ants in his living room, eating cheese and other crumb-based foodstuffs from the carpet.

The number Eleventy is immense, and should be used sparingly to maintain it’s greatness, much like many one-hit wonders.

Usage

Eleventy must almost never be used on its own. Most of the time, it should be accompanied by a following qualifying statement of a word, see below for example eleventy-usage.

  • Eleventy-One
  • Eleventy-Two
  • Eleventy-Three
  • Eleventy-Four
  • Eleventy-Five
  • Eleventy-Sex
  • Eleventy-Seven
  • Eleventy-Eight
  • Eleventy-Nine
  • Eleventy-Ten
  • Eleventy-Leven
  • Eleventy-Twelve
  • Eleventy-Hundred

What’s the exact value of Eleventy ?

Opinion varies on the exact value of Eleventy. The most plausible theory was put forward by Professor Stephen Hawking, a thin man in a robotic chair. He theorised in 2003 that the value of Eleventy was the same as Eleventeen.

Trivia

  • There are eleventy-million stars in the world
  • There are eleventy-hundred grains of sugar in a 500g bag of sugar.
  • There are eleventy-seven hairs on the head of Sven-Goran Eriksson. Two of which are ginger.

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Moon

Posted on January 11, 2011 by danfiveoh| Leave a comment

The Moon is a round planet that is, on average, 238,857 miles from Earth, moving away at roughly 4cm a year. The Moon’s diameter is 2,160 miles, only slightly less than Rik Waller.

The two sides of the moon

The Moon has two sides, Jeff and Clemence. The moon is in synchronous rotation, which means that Jeff is almost always turned towards the earth at any one time.

Orbit

The Moon makes a complete orbit about the Earth approximately once every 29.5 days, breaking only once for a Bacon sandwich, and a cup of Tea.

Origin and History

The Moon was created in 1912 by Alfie and Nana Moon. It has an inner core made entirely of red Lego bricks, with an outer core of Marshmallow.

The other layers were crafted using disgarded chewing gum of varying brands.

Trivia

  • It takes 12 full time Moon staff to change the bulbs necessary to create Moonlight.
  • Though it was once thought that the Moon had a small pool of water, it was later proved to be a rain drop on the telescope.
  • Chuck Norris has a holiday villa on the Moon called Luna Norris.

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British Summer Time

Posted on January 11, 2011 by BlackSaabbath| Leave a comment

British Summer Time is the period of time between Britain’s wet spring like weather, and its dark wet autumn days. Usually this period of time consists of showery rain as opposed to the normal prolonged periods of rain. Each year millions of Britains are surpised and disappointed at how wet it is. Being summer, however, allows the water companies in the South of England to impose hose pipe bans and other such water saving measures claiming the previous year had been unusually dry and hoping no one will remember is was as wet as any other.

The time of year also means anyone who owns a convertible car must drive around with the roof down unless there’s anything more than a light drizzle, regardless of temperature.

Trivia

  • British Summer Time starts when the first person in Britain looks up to the sky, sees a blue patch and says “Ooo, summer is here”.
  • British Summer Time ends after the bank holiday in August, during which it’ll probably rain a bit more as a precursor to the approaching autumn.
  • The longest period of dry weather ever recorded in Britain was in 1974 when it didn’t rain for 4 hours and 27 minutes.

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Learlier

Posted on January 11, 2011 by danfiveoh| Leave a comment

Learlier, denotes a period of time neither before, nor after, an event that may or may not have happened.

Example

David: “I had a job interview learlier!”
Daniel: “Did you, when was it?”
David: “It was neither before, nor after 12pm.”
Daniel: “Brilliant, how did it go?”
David: “Well, this particular event didn’t happen, so not well.”

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Woman

Posted on January 11, 2011 by danfiveoh| Leave a comment

Woman is a female human, not to be confused with a man, which is a male human. Sometimes, in the darkest corners of major cities, one might find the two intertwined and often working as bin men.

Age

Age is an important part of any woman’s life, determining exactly how long a woman might survive. There are many stages of a woman’s life, such as:

  • Childhood – During this period, a woman is considered a girl and is highly succeptible to gossip, internet chatroom web-perverts, Uncle Les and popular male boybands.
  • Teenager – During the teenage years, and on reaching puberty, a woman will begin to realise her purpose in life as a reproductive facility.
  • Adulthood – Upon reaching adulthood, the woman will realise her life-long dream of tending to her boyfriend or husbands every need.

Biology

Women generally have many characteristics that differentiate them from the man. The sexual organs differ greatly, with women tending to have a fubar which can differ in size, shape and smell.

Further inside the body, you may find several nizlopian tubes which facilitate the carrying of the male jaff, during the act of ziggy-wiggling, to the baby sacks, where each sack is then fertilised and a cute little baby is made.

Women are generally thought to have a lower emotional threshold, however in recent studies this has been found to be false. Research by Dr. Thomas E. North of The Sun newspaper found that women actually have a portion of their brain directly controlling acting and exaggeration.

Secondary characteristics, such as breast size and buttock girth are also largely different in most women. Legally, a woman with small breasts and large buttocks is known as a Jenny and must carry documentation pertaining to their origins, or block, at all times.

Stereotyping

Below are a few stereotypical claims sometimes made about women in relation to men:

  • Women are more emotionally sensitive.
  • Women are the only gender able to give birth.
  • Women only eat cheese.
  • Women do not like the sound of silence.
  • Women are made of sugar and spice.
  • Women will rule the earth, for a short time.

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Man

Posted on January 11, 2011 by danfiveoh| Leave a comment

Man is a male human, not to be confused with a woman, which is a female human. Often in large liberal cities the two may become intertwined, these people are known as bufties.

Age

Age is an important part of any man’s life, determining exactly how long a man might survive. There are many stages of a man’s life, such as:

  • Childhood – At this point a man might be considered a boy and will be often be energetic, abusive and on the whole, annoying.
  • Teenager – During the teenage years, and on reaching puberty, a man might be considered a burden, and will have a penchant for grunting and ASBOs.
  • Adulthood – Finally reaching manhood, the man will have completed puberty, and will most likely be working full time, or in prison.

Biology

Men generally have many characteristics that differentiate them from the woman. The sexual organs differ greatly, with men tending to have a dinkle of varying shapes and colours. Protruding from the dinkle are two nutbags containing the nuts. These nuts are used in the production of jaff, with jaff’s main purpose being the fertilisation of the female egg after ejaculation, and at the climax of the act of ziggy-wiggling.

Dispelling the myth that most men don’t have a heart, it is common knowledge that the man has two hearts, one serving the facilitation of blood around the body, the second as a backup when the first inevitably fails after years of marriage takes it’s toll.

Secondary characteristics, such as bodily hair and muscle growth are also largely different in men, with the man being both hairier and stronger. On some occasions however, the woman can develop more strength and body hair. It is at this point the woman is legally classed as a lesbian.

Stereotyping

Below are a few stereotypical claims sometimes made about men in relation to women:

  • Men are more aggressive.
  • Men read maps better.
  • Men make better drivers.
  • Men are cleverer.
  • Men have no feelings.
  • Men will rule the earth.

Most of these claims have been cast aside over the years, women have (over recent years) proven themselves to be equally as violent, crafty, controlling and heartless. However, men are still more competitive, and will do anything to win that argument.

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Sneezing

Posted on January 11, 2011 by danfiveoh| Leave a comment

Sneezing is caused by an irritation to the nose such as a funny smell or sometimes (in women) the act of plucking the eyebrows can initiate a bout of this speedy air movement phenomena. On rare occasions sneezing can result in death, such as in The Plague.

Note: Sneezing should not be confused with wheezing which although sounds similar, it is in many ways, the complete opposite.

Trivia

  • When you sneeze your soul jumps out of your nose
  • If someone says ‘bless you’ it gets sucked back in
  • If the person who has been ‘blessed’ says thank you a fairy dies
  • You must then clap so it comes back to life

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Gravity

Posted on January 11, 2011 by BlackSaabbath| Leave a comment

Gravity is a product of The Ministry of Heaviness (MoH), a former British Government agency setup in 1902 to stop everything floating around.

History

Until the early 20th Century, the people of Earth had put up with all their possessions, pets, family members etc. floating around them. This made it very hard to find things as invariably they were not where you left them. In 1902 the British Government decided enough was enough and set up The Ministry of Heaviness, headed by Sir Isaac Netwon, to develop a solution. Many ideas were tried including attaching a powerful fan on top of all items you wished to keep at ground level. This, sadly, proved fatal for the dog of one trial family which looked up suddenly and had its head severed by the fan blades.

Once the system had been perfected the MoH rolled out gravity to the whole world. Each country pays a set fee every quarter to the MoH and they ensure everything in that country stays as close to the ground as possible. In 1964 MoH was privatised and all the money it takes in each month has allowed it to become the 2nd biggest company in the world, second only to Microsoft.

How does it work?

Gravity works quite simply by attaching a piece of specially developed string to everything and everyone. The other end of these strings attach to a reel deep in the earth which keeps them taught but still allows them to extend if necessary, eg. if you want to jump. Some scientists have expressed concern as to what would happen to the system if several 1,000 people jumped up at once.

A dedicate team of around 57 people (nicknamed ‘The Stringers’) travel the world continuously checking all the strings are secure and not beginning to fray.

Trivia

  • In 1954, due to a banking error, payment was not received from Portugal, this resulted in their gravity being cut off for several days resulting in some rather serious accidents.
  • The Asian sub continent lost it’s gravity for several days in 1926 when a group of Squirrels nibbled through the connecting strings. This incident sparked a large scale review of the security of the strings and following this, some lovely fresh nuts are now placed around all strings to distract the squirrels thus allowing the ‘The Stringers’ to kill them.

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