Category Archives: Television

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen

Mary-Kate Olsen and Ashley Fuller Olsen (born June 13, 1986) are twin American actresses known more commonly as “The Olsen twins”.

They are made almost entirely from gingerbread and drink only Gaymers Cider.

Biography

Early life

The Olsen twins were created in 1986 by parents David and Sophie Olsen after David fancied a snack. After some wonderous work with gingerbread, Sophie eventually carved two children, too good to eat. With natural acting abilities, the twins were cast as Willow Ufgood in the 1988 film, Willow.

Career

The early nineties saw a plethora of film appearances for the twins, including the immensely popular Hard to Kill, Mary-Kate and Ashley Do America and Pop Goes The Weevil. Taking the teenage market by storm, they quickly had their own merchandise line featuring t-shirts, exercise videos and erotic toys.

Selected filmography

  • Willow (1988)
  • Calililigula (1990)
  • Hard to Kill (1990)
  • Mary-Kate and Ashley Do America (1992)
  • Captain Lovely’s Mandarin (1996)
  • Pop Goes The Weevil (1998)
  • Caddyshack 3 (2000)
  • Best of Playboy: Olsen Twins (2004)
  • Eleventy-Six Weeks (2005)

Memorable quotes

  • Mary-Kate – “And I was like, no! And she was like, yeah! So I was like, oh okay.” (On accepting her first Academy Award, 1998).
  • Ashley – “I never liked George Bush, but I’d marry him for the fame.”

ITV

ITV is a television network designed by chavs, for chavs, and financed by a special kind of TV Licence called ‘advertising’.

Because of the unique way the ITV is funded, quality is considered a ‘nice-to-have’ rather than an ‘essential’.

Network

  • ITV1 – The flagship channel.
  • ITV2 – Same crap, more often.
  • ITV3 – Launched due a lack of advertisement space for financial companies.
  • ITV4 – Films and documentaries not good enough for Five.
  • CITV – Moronic children’s television for the lower class.
  • ITV Play – An oxymoron.
  • ITV News – Daily news show, a day late.

Trivia

  • ITV stands for Idiot TeleVision.
  • ITV has put in place ‘golden-handshake’ deals with its two biggest stars, Trisha Goddard and Jeremy Kyle. These deals are worth as much as £25 per appearance.
  • Harry Hill appears on ITV, most likely held at gunpoint while doing so.
  • ITV’s biggest advertiser is Mr Sheen.
  • ITV’s best viewing figures occured during the I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! series 4 final. 312 people tuned in to see Joe Pasquale beat Paul Burrell. Most of those viewers were ITV employees.

James May

James May is a historical figure that has been reanimated to star in the popular BBC television series Top Gear.

Despite the nature of the series, James does not in fact drive. Instead, all his ‘driving’ scenes are created by CGI in post-production. This anomaly accounts for approximately 72% of the BBC’s overall special effects budget. Doctor Who, in comparison, accounts for just 0.0006%.

History

James May was born in Victorian times when, if you had an indoor lavatory, you were considered part of the English aristocracy. Fortunately for James, his parents were the Duke and Dutchess of Orkney, and he was therefore educated in the use of proper Queens English. This means he is legally obligated to say ‘Cock’ every 30 minutes.

Trivia

  • James does not own any Cocks.
  • James was beaten to the title of ‘England’s most English Man’ by the Nobel-Prize winning gay, Stephen Fry.
  • James’ hair is sponsored by Miracle Grow.
  • James is the only man to have auditioned for the role of James Bond in the 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s and 2000s.

Jeremy Kyle

Jeremy Kyle is a British radio and television broadcaster.

Television Career

Jeremy currently hosts the Jeremy Kyle Show. The show’s format is very much similar to it’s more successful cousin, Trisha. In the show, Jeremy tries to be as big a cunt as humanly possible, using buzzwords to appear vaguely intelligent and wise. Whilst the show does achieve greater ratings than Trisha, this is due to the large ratio of moronic racists watching daytime British television.

Trivia

  • Jeremy once was once the highest paid British porn star.
  • In 1992, Jeremy was arrested for possession of a German.

Top Gear

Top Gear is a BBC television programme reviewing the best products in the world of drugs. Presenters including James May drive around high on various different toxins ranting about torque and other such things they don’t understand so the drug buying public need not waste their time on inferior products.

Trivia

  • Other names considered for the TV series were ‘Great Smack’, ‘Good Heroin’, ‘Top Buzz’ and ‘Shroom, Shroom’.
  • Little known to the presenters, mysterious character ‘The Stig’ is actually an under cover police woman trying to break a drugs ring.
  • When driving the cars round their test track out of their little minds, the presenters always try to keep off the grass.

Comic Relief

Comic Relief is a charity event that is neither funny, nor a relief. The show has been on for at least two years, non stop and is presented by Lenny Henry, the owner of Hilton hotel chain.