The Student, pronounced “Stooodent”, is a common miscreant and tax dodger found in most parts of the world, often close to universities or colleges.
Habitat
Students can often be found around university campuses, local brances of Aldi, Lidl or Netto and in the Indie section of popular music stores. In the evening, most students can be found in cheap chain bars and restaurants, or perched over rubbish bins, vomiting.
Diet
Students are often known to prefer tinned food, or ready-to-eat meals and rarely prepare food that takes longer than five minutes to cook and eat. This is a bi-product of the heavy workload of sleeping, drinking and mating, that the typical student must undergo.
Characteristics
Students can be easily distinguished from the general public by three main factors:
- Appearance – Students often wear ripped clothes, mainly striped jumpers, scarves and a lot of beige. The student doesn’t brush their hair or wear shoes. It is not uncommon to find students far from their habitat, still in pyjamas.
- Odour – Students don’t wash as they simply do not have enough time. One essay a term and thousands of potential bed partners require far too much of their waking life already.
- Habits – During the daytime, students can be found walking the streets and local shopping centres, when the general public are at work. This is because students are unable to take a job due to their hectic life.
Mating habits
Male students often use alcohol as their primary means of courting the female. In their academic life a student may have as many as 1000 sexual partners, and will never use contraception. The average student fathers 203 children during his time in academia.
Popular hobbies
Other than mating and drinking, the student can occasionally have time for other pursuits such as:
- Studying – Originally intended as the main purpose of the student, this was officially declassified in the early 1990s.
- Pool – Male students like to play phallic games such as Pool, as it helps them increase their own self perception of masculinity. It also provides a good weapon when they are attacked by the general public.
- Television – Students are keen viewers of programmes such as The Jeremy Kyle Show, Can’t Cook Won’t Cook and Deal or No Deal.