Tesco is the UK’s largest and most successful supermarket chain.
History
Tesco was founded in 1066, when Mr T spotted a gap in the market for a premium range of convenient and supposedly tasty ready-meals. He called these Tesco *Finest meals, and invented the colour silver to make them stand-out.
In an era when being poor meant your head was cut-off, peasants flocked to Tesco’s all around the country, in an effort to raise their social-standing to somewhere equalling noblemen.
Since then the lower-middle-classes have loved Tesco as if it were their Mother’s womb.
Success
Tesco has been credited with the popularisation of Haggis in England. Once a Scots dish, Haggis is now served on every English dinner plate every Sunday afternoon, accompanied by Horseradish, HP Sauce, and 2 cans of Stella Artois.
Trivia
- Tesco covers 102.8% of the available market. All the residents of a small island to the north of Scotland called ‘Bende’ had to be relocated to make way for a Tesco Express store.
- Tesco sells anything and everything. If you want a designer baby, go to Tesco. They’re 7 day return, no questions asked policy, is very handy when trying out new family members.
- The use of a star in the Tesco *Finest logo was a happy mistake. When Mr T was packaging his ‘Pork Delight’ meal he accidently left the pig’s anus showing. The ‘star’ has remained ever since.
- Tesco car parks are the most common dogging hotspots in Britain. If the window is down, you may pop your hand in for a feel, because “Every Little Helps”.
- Tesco operates a secret codeword policy on it’s fresh meat counters. The code can be found elsewhere, needless to say if you want to sample some large tasty (pig) gonads, get researching.
- The first Tesco Value product was baked beans, since then they’ve brought us value sausages, value cars, value grandparents and value sperm donations.
- Tesco is currently conducting trials into the sale of guns and other weapons. While hugely controversial, a recent shooting incident involving a gun brought from a competitor brand in their flagship Norwich store, has convinced the Tesco bigwigs that consumer demand is there.
- In 1993 Tesco Bermondsey became the first store to be built entirely from recycled homeless people.